Bad luck: returning to your hostel room post-shower, barefoot and wearing only a towel, to find your key card no longer works. Oh, and the front desk is in the building next door and the only phone available is your iPhone, which is in your locked room. This sounds like the first scene of a terrible horror movie where you definitely get murdered.
Good luck: after a few minutes, a fellow traveler walks by and you ask him to alert the front desk folk, who come rescue your awkward, chilly ass with a new key card.
CRISIS AVERTED! (Lesson learned: always bring phone to shower.)
1. Buckle yourself in with the wrong seatbelt, so the person next to you has to wear yours, twisted, and feels it every time you fidget, because the two are entangled.
2. Hog the armrest with your large, exorbitantly hairy arm, even though you are in the middle seat and everyone knows that means you don’t get an armrest.
3. Frequently reach over the person sitting in the aisle seat, to get the attention of your friend sitting across the aisle.
4. Eat a food that looks like tiny cigars wrapped in edible (well, who knows, but you sure eat it) tinfoil and smells like greasy mothballs wrapped in flea collars.
5. Eat it very loudly, with lots of lip smacking, which continues for at least 5 minutes after ingesting each bite. Stick your finger in your mouth to clean the chewed-up food off your teeth.
6. Frequently pass the box of mystery food to your friend across the aisle, directly in front of the face of your seatmate.
7. Loudly slurp your cup of Sprite with each sip, like it is made of hot soup.
8. Belch loudly and often.
9. Watch a movie on your cellphone with the volume so loud that the person next to you can hear every note of the high-pitched music.
10. As soon as the flight is over, push your way into the aisle, where you pass several large carry-on suitcases over the head of your seatmate, who is now trapped in the aisle between you and your two friends.
Follow these 10 easy steps and you, too, can make another human daydream for five hours straight about punching you in the face!
I’m going to San Diego for the long weekend and I’m desperately hoping to recapture the sense of contentment and serenity that I felt during my short trip there last summer. I need it so much more this time.