July 2011
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Reason #829 I Love New York
Yesterday, I was strolling around Hell’s Kitchen when I saw a normal-looking man, probably in his 20s or 30s, pass by carrying a large, black trash bag. Sticking out of the top of the bag were the unmistakable rubbery legs of not one, but two blow-up dolls. Dude didn’t even look like a crazy hobo or anything.
I cracked up as I watched him stride down the block, toting his sack of toys...
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5 Foods That Are More Addictive Than Crack →
1. Wheat Thins
“Are you there, God? It’s me, Wheat Thins! Do you remember me? You sent me to this Earth to cause both joy and utter pain to snackers? Well, people are starting to get really upset because they’re eating entire boxes of me and experiencing rapid weight gain. This isn’t my fault, God! You are my creator, the one who made me criminally delicious so I’m blaming it all on you. I...
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NYC's 8 Worst Dating Nightmares →
He followed me out, and walked with me for several blocks, talking about a website for meat I just had to check out.
I could read an encyclopedia’s worth of stories like this. I love dating horror stories.
June 2011
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Obama's Aunt Sends Him Article Mentioning United... →
KALONA, IA—According to family sources, Barack Obama’s aunt Claudia, 79, mailed a letter to the president Monday that included a short note and a carefully clipped-out article from the Highland Review newspaper mentioning the United States. “Thought you would be interested in this,” read the note, which also had “This is kind of neat” written on the top of the...
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I’ve only been to 17 U.S. states (I didn’t count the ones I just passed through). Pitiful, really.
When I was little, my grandparents sold their house, bought an RV, and traveled the country for years. I’m pretty sure they visited every state except Hawaii in their lifetimes.
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The Frenemy.: Signs I Like You →
thefrenemy:
I mean, I wouldn’t go Vanessa Carlton on your ass and walk 1,000 miles, which is a total crock of shit because that bitch was parked on her little piano that whole music video. But if I were wearing good shoes that didn’t give me blisters, and my I-Pod was fully charged, and I could maybe get a sandwich along the way? Then I would walk maybe 12-15 miles for you, happily. Well,...
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“You get to the point where you evolve in your life where everything isn’t...”
– Republican New York State Senator Roy McDonald, on voting to legalize gay marriage
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Alyssa Campanella of California Crowned Miss USA →
I’d just like to point out that the new Miss USA’s name is suspiciously similar to mine…clerical error, most likely.
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The 8 Most Banal Excerpts from My Blog in 2001,...
“mmm i love hostess banana walnut mini muffins! i like live on those things. i am so bored.”
“last night my mom made bean soup and i was eating it when all of a sudden i bit down on this really really hard thing! so i spit it out and guess what it was? a rock! pretty nasty, huh?”
“this day sucks quite a bit so far, i think.”
“the other day this...
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5 More Things You Can Do To Make A Quiet Person... →
1. Tell the quiet person she should smile more
If you want to make a quiet person feel bad, tell her to smile more, as there’s nothing like being passively shamed into not meeting the American culture’s daily smile quota. The American nation is indeed one of fake laughs, put-on smiles (I’ve worked two office jobs in my life – both of my bosses informed me that I hadn’t learned my Fake Smile...
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I did this to a cab driver who tried to run me over yesterday (when I had the right of way, thankyouverymuch) and then had the audacity to be an A-hole about it.
I ain’t even that mad atcha, just gonna casually flick you off and go about my day.
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Wilton Police Reports →
A larceny was reported at Rolling Hills Country Club. According to police, a woman had about $1,000 stolen from her purse while she was playing tennis on an outside court, and the case remains open and under investigation.
These are the types of crimes that happen in my hometown.
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